Teens copy their parents’ self-control. Unless you’re an overly strict dad.

As the old adage goes, there’s no handbook for parenting. But ask anyone who has raised a child into adulthood, and they’ll likely tell you they never needed one.

That’s because in healthy, developed parent-child relationships, sometimes it’s not what we say that has the biggest impact, or the lectures we might recite verbatim if we had access to a handbook. Rather, it’s the silent lessons we unwittingly perform every day, buried deep within our actions and how we navigate the world. 

“Modeling matters,” Dr. Yana Sirotkin, a developmental psychologist, researcher and parenting coach, told Straight Arrow News. “Our children constantly observe our own behaviors in various areas and contexts (work, health, money, academics), and thus it is important to remember that it is not just what you tell your teen, but what you do.”

The apple doesn’t fall from the tree

Now, a new study out of West Virginia University (WVU), published in the journal Social Development, lends credence to that idea. 

During the COVID-19 pandemic, WVU professor Amy Gentzler surveyed 213 teens and their parents over a six-month period. What she found is that the kids tended to internalize their parents’ self-control habits. 

“Many of us struggle with self-control within a particular aspect of our lives,” Gentzler said in an article accompanying the study’s release. “Often, if you look at our parents, they experienced self-control challenges, too, though theirs might show up in other ways.”

More specifically, she analyzed the teens’ tendency and willingness to delay gratification while focusing on long-term goals and rewards in the realms of health, work and school, money management, leisure activities and relationships.

Sirotkin, who was not involved in the study, said that while it is “valuable,” it does not definitively prove a causal link between parental self-control and teen behavior. This, Sirotkin explained, is largely down to the limited sample size and the fact that the study was conducted under the extraordinary circumstances of the pandemic. 

“Considering the sample, the results might not generalize to all populations. Importantly, the surveys occurred during the COVID-19 pandemic, when many parents worked from home and teens attended school remotely,” Sirotkin said. “Hence, this is a unique context in which parental influence on development of self-control among the teens might be more prominent compared to traditional parenting environments.”

Mothers vs. fathers

Gentzler’s research suggests that the influence of a mother or father is relatively consistent, regardless of gender. There was at least one notable exception, though.

For instance, a mother who displays high levels of self-control in the workplace will raise a child who is more disciplined in the classroom. 

“It may be that mothers who have higher levels of self-control at work are also helping their children more with school tasks and homework,” Gentzler said. “They’re taking that same mentality and approach to their work and helping to instill that in their teen.”

However, the children of men who reported high self-control over their eating habits were more likely to exhibit lower self-control overall. 

“The interesting finding about fathers with high health self-control having teens with lower overall self‐control reminds us that ‘over-control’ or coercive regulation might backfire,” Sirotkin said.

In her study, Gentzler attributes this to a possible rebellious streak against controlling father figures. However, there was a caveat. “If fathers are trying to control their eating and exercise to a high degree, teens might push back,” Gentzler said. “But overall, fathers who have higher health self-control are a good thing.” 

That idea was reinforced by the fact that fathers with a high level of overall self-control raised teens who were more financially responsible.  

‘Firm but flexible boundaries’

Taking a broader view of the subject, Gentzler found that on the whole, mothers and fathers who eat healthy, exercise and maintain regular sleep patterns will raise children who also value such discipline.

“From a developmental point of view it was not surprising to learn that self-control is heavily embedded in family dynamics, modeling by parent, and environmental factors, as this claim stems from the environmental and family-systems perspectives,” Sirotkin told SAN. “However, the unexpected findings that fathers who reported high health self-control had teens with lower overall self-control in some cases, was intriguing.”

According to Sirotkin, the secret recipe consists of “firm but flexible boundaries,” with a heaping dose of love and compassion.

“As in the earlier years, the parenting style parents establish with their children matters,” Sirotkin said. “Specifically, promoting open communication, providing warmth and acceptance, while establishing and maintaining firm but flexible boundaries is generally seen as the optimal parenting style for adolescent development and the strengthening of the relationship with parents.” 

It takes a village

Of course, nothing happens in a vacuum, and not least of all the rearing of children. 

Gentzler’s study accounted for this, noting that the more secure a family’s economic situation, the more self-control a teen will exhibit, overall. Similarly, the more challenges a child faces as they come of age, the greater the risk to their neurological development, making it increasingly difficult to practice self-control later in life. 

“There’s a pattern — having more resources allows people to make healthier choices. They might be at more rigorous schools, environments where they’re getting lessons on how to exert self-control,” Gentzler said. “When you have a higher socioeconomic status, there are structures in place to help you meet goals.”

Sirotkin similarly pointed to external factors that play a pivotal and undeniable role in a child’s development.

“I would caution against interpreting the results as casting the blame for low self-control among adolescents on the parents,” Sirotkin said. “While the study shows links, we must avoid interpreting it as, ‘If your teen struggles, you as a parent failed self‐control.’ Many other factors, such as teachers, peers, and school environment, are just a few of the factors that influence this developing ability.”

Sirotkin went on to add, “the findings introduce some interesting directions for parent‐focused or family-focused interventions in which supporting parent self‐regulation might ripple into better teens’ self‐control. Also, schools/community curriculum that supports self‐control development might help address some of the gaps left by parents.”

Putting the ‘grow’ in growing up

At the end of the day, however, growing up is exactly that–– growing–– and Gentzler said that taking control of your…well, self-control, is never out of reach.

“There are definitely ways that you can help your self-control,” Gentzler said. “Small, intentional strategies, such as setting attainable, realistic goals or pairing unpleasant tasks with rewards can help teens and parents stay consistent long-term.”

Sirotkin echoed the sentiment, telling SAN, “An important message is that it is never too late to influence your teen forming self-control or any other developing skills, especially during adolescence, which is an important period of identity formation, self-exploration and change.”

What’s more, the same goes for parents. 

“I personally like that the researcher said there are ways you can help your self-control,” Sirotkin said. “That gives a hopeful message for parents: not only does parent self-regulation matter, but improvement is always possible.”

The post Teens copy their parents’ self-control. Unless you’re an overly strict dad. appeared first on Straight Arrow News.

Ella Rae Greene, Editor In Chief